A bittersweet symphony of the senses...

I was a weird kid.

Screw you guys, I was HIP!

NO no, I'm sure you'll say "we were all weird kids"... Oh, ok, so no, you agreed, well yeah I was a weird kid.

Sure enough I became a weird adult too, but I pass off as normal for a lot of people, so ... 

Back to the story, I was a weird kid, I didn't eat a lot of foods, and not because of lacking exposure, my mom tried ALL methods possible to have me eat new things...

Once she resorted to outright deceit tactics. See I hated "frijoles", I thought any food that was black could under NO circumstances be good for you. So, what does she go and do?  Got rid of the black beans and proceeded to present them as 'Beans' and they were all nice and shiny red.  Took me a while to catch on, by then it was a bit late to complain.

So, where was I?  Oh yes, Bittersweet.  The first time I tried a bittersweet sauce, chinese of course, was with my mother at a little out of place Chinese restaurant in what (back in the 80s) was a bustling Shopping Center in my area.

So, my first try at bittersweet was indeed a whole spectacle of the senses, as I had NO IDEA what to expect (I probably was 9), it really hit me.  A Satisfying taste that had undertones of something, not quite, irregular in an otherwise fruity amalgam.

So, what's this got to do with anything?

Today is mother's day in my area, it's a weird date for me, as today marks the first of many to come (please make it many!), without my mom by my side.

That's us in 2006 - my Birthday

We used to be inseparable (and quite phonetically similar insufferable).  Of course, life does come to an end to all of us, and as life would have it, she was the first to depart.

I am sad, I can't say I am not, but not because of it being mother's day.  That's a Stupid Hallmark (tm) Date.

I am sad because out of all the people I have shared this mortal coil, my mom is not here today to see where things would have taken us, today though, is no different than other dates this year past, EXCEPT for her birthday.  I was totally overwhelmed on her birthday and I just hope when the the earth reaches that point again of it's orbit, I am able to overcome how I felt that day.

So, why bittersweet?

My mom, showin Jr how it's done

Well, I am indeed, a bit happy, happy to be here, happy to share my life with great people, happy to have a successful (so far) career, and happy to have the most wonderful and adoring son I could dream of.
But I can't say it is all joy, I do miss my mom dearly.

People are wont to say "she's just a heartbeat away", or "she's in a better place" or more succinctly "we are all doomed to the same fate"; sure, sure I get it, life is just a middle point between birth and death, but I do still miss her.  Sometimes I feel her SO close that my mind wanders off for hours, just being grounded again by dawn.

Mom at "Dia de los Abuelitos" - Last time she was able to visit Jr's school

I know that near the end, my mom used deceit again with me, I know she preferred to 'hide the black beans' with a lot of effort on her part.  Not everyone can pull a fast one on me people, I can assure you of that.  But when my mom told me she was "all right, just a little tired" I used to fall for it quite easily, no one could've convinced me that she was only capable of using 20% of her lungs, and STILL lead a life where I counted on her FAR more than I probably should.

I have to say, "Mom, wherever you are now, you fooled me, and fooled me right, you did it always for my benefit, but that doesn't mean I liked it one bit!!"

For now, that's it, that's my story.  I'm still a weird kid, or grown up (trying to not let it get to me), but thankfully I was never really aloof with my mom, today, it's just another day, but as I did while she was right here, I celebrate mother's day everyday.

Sometimes all we need is for them to hold our hand, others, we get to hold them

Good night...

Playing games VS telling a Story

So, I had this conversation today with a really good friend.  It all stemmed from him saying WoW destroyed how he likes to play games.  It simply "ruined" the whole way in which Warcraft Games are presented and he does not like it anymore.

The online aspect of it ruined the whole series for him as things "never change".  It totally dislodged the "reality" of WoW from the "living environment" of Warcraft. Things you do "in game" don't affect anything" wether you do them or not, someone else definitely will and this makes whatever actions you chose to take; non transcending.

So we sat down an chatted about it, and I figured out the series of issues presented:

1. WoW and other MMORPGS take the decision making process out of the world, and you ARE on tracks wether you like it or not, you need to follow a line of actions.
2. Being on rails means NOTHING you do will be of importance, as it is predisposed.

Being who I am... I actually couldn't leave that just there...

And while I will not juxtapose this with human nature (fate vs free will), I will take it into what gaming aspects there are and how they affect us.

Some of us like to just "unplug and enjoy":

• This is the type of "gaming on rails" that people find amusing. You get up, you have a set of missions, you traverse those missions or adventures and they give you "rewards" through the way.
• While you find solace in the "continuity" you are stranded in someone's "reality" and can't really break away from their path
• Games like final fantasy fill this category

Some of us enjoy the "sandbox"

• We've created a world, while you will find pre-scripted adventures you can just go nuts and try and break it, it will still work out in the end.
• This type of gaming yields pleasure to those that find chaotic natures to be more appealing.  Your life is not totally pre-determined, you can chose not to take pre-disposed actions and they will still be "fun" you just won't progress where we believed you would, but "life is like that, no?"

And others, well some of us like to TELL the story

• You gave me a set of "rules".  I cannot escape these rules, but the world does not confine me, these rules while they cannot be broken they can be used to my advantage.
• "You had a story to tell?   that's nice kid, write a book, I'm here to see where my actions take me." This kind of mentality works very well to those of us who truly and deeply believe in free will.

Out of all of this I found that at different times, I am anywhere along the lines there, but mostly, I like telling stories.  I like being able to forget about where someone wishes to take me and making my own path.

Life therefore to me, is not limited by the whims of a "higher being" but by the ethical nature of my actions and the continuity I can give them.

My friend?  He draws his own path.  A predisposed story, is not where he wants to be.  Change, for him, comes from within.  And if his actions have NO sway in the nature of a game, he believes that it's not for him, the "meta" nature of this in his life, and how "FATE" holds no sway over him, does escape me though...