Early Morning musings... for a late afternoon :P

So, ever since my mom passed away, I've been trying to maintain a modicum of HER order and HER ideas at home.  It's a condition.  I don't really deal well with imposed changes I rather feel things are being changed BY me or WITH me, and not just... you know, having a hand that was dealt to me and tough luck.

So, one of the things I am doing in order to try and get a bit of the control back on it, is to sleep at my mom's old room.  Or what shall heretofore be referred to as "THE MASTER bedroom".  In caps.  It sounds like a novel.  Or special room.  Wish I had a butler, I'd call him Jeeves.  Don't care what his last name is, he WILL be Jeeves (note to self, find a Jeeves and make sure he's British, otherwise they will be rubbish).

So, after sleeping for a while in "THE MASTER bedroom", I've come to appreciate something I didn't know we had.  Dawn.

Sure, I KNOW there is a dawn everyday, I mean I assumed there was mostly because people didn't complain about the sudden lack of "transition" from night to day.  But honestly I never saw it.

My room was located to the south of the house, so, SW location made it great for sunsets, not so for whatever the space between night and day was.


But, my mom did see it daily, she made an effort, even when her health had declined to appreciate dawn. 

Near the end, she was not totally bedridden, she was an impressively strong woman, at less than 20% lung capacity, she still got up, walked around (to the best of her ability) and DID chores and drove.

I will never be able to tell her directly how amazed I am about this.  All I did back then was tell her "mom, slow down, you need to take it easy, remember slow but surely things get done".  She never took shit slow.  Ever.

Like NEVER ever.

If you met my mom, you'd know right then and there that anything but an instant response to stuff was too slow.

As annoying as that was, I loved it about her, it was never rash or impulsive behavior.  She knew exactly what she was doing.

And just like a Wizard, she was never late or early, she was precisely where she needed to be at any time.

Right now, is not the time for her to be with me, and I can deal with that, not that I wanted it to be this way though.

Queued up for a renewal - the mayhem!!

I usually don't leave very thing until the last minute. So I figured that I had to get my passport renewed before my trip to London (turns out I need a valid one to purchase to tickets, GENIUS!). So I went to the bank. Took all of 5 minutes paying the due. And now I've been queued up at the immigration offices for the better part of an hour still haven't reached THE ONLY window where they stamp passports.

No wonder there is a slew of "public parking" places around. Bet they make a fortune every day.

I know there are ways to get a new passport by just going to banks and having them do the paperwork for you. But apparently the heavy lifting of a STAMP is too much to do outside these offices.

I know the fact that there is only one window means they can't justify more salaries (overhead) for the kind of work necessary. But seriously couldn't they just do this at the same bank I was at?!

And how hard is it to stamp a passport and check a "valid through" date on it? Why does it take upwards of ten minutes per person at the window?

I tell you why. Redheaded commies!! Of gremlins. What is it we are supposed to fear now? Maybe a Backson! Something. I wish they would pull their act together though. After all my taxes pay for this bureaucratic slum where we come to just get older. Little by little. Makes no sense really to have to walk in here and get it stamped.

End of rant.

A month and counting or countdown to 33

It's always difficult to summarise lifetimes in a few words, apparently people wish that things didn't happen or how they happened be more succinct.  I have a hard time these days putting words into simple patterns and disclose a lot of information in very few ideas.

It's almost a month since my mom passed, everyday I think I will just wake up, go to her room (my room now) and hold her in a tight embrace while figuring it was just a stupid silly awful dream.

That's not the case though, I've dreamt about that myself for a few days now, but as hard as it is to not have mom with me today, it's harder for me to picture her state had she survived the night.

August 26th 2009 - Jr's Birthday

I'm happy that she's no longer suffering respiratory issues, and that above all she was able to pass on in a way that didn't leave her stranded to a bed for months.

I see my dear little boy, and I see her in every smile he has, in every gesture and in every bit of speech he uses.  They even have the same issue with pronouncing spanish "r"s.

I will be 33 in a few days as well.  This will be my first birthday ever without mom by my side.  We had some hard times when she suffered from her pancreas, but she was always there, trying to make the best of her situation she kept me from most of what she was suffering.

A stronger woman I've never seen.

I hope that at some point I get to show at least half the strength she had in her time.

I am not comfortable with celebrating my birthday this year; I may be able to do something, for a bit, but she will be definitely missed, and this will be less than adequate in the best of circumstances.