A bittersweet symphony of the senses...

I was a weird kid.

Screw you guys, I was HIP!

NO no, I'm sure you'll say "we were all weird kids"... Oh, ok, so no, you agreed, well yeah I was a weird kid.

Sure enough I became a weird adult too, but I pass off as normal for a lot of people, so ... 

Back to the story, I was a weird kid, I didn't eat a lot of foods, and not because of lacking exposure, my mom tried ALL methods possible to have me eat new things...

Once she resorted to outright deceit tactics. See I hated "frijoles", I thought any food that was black could under NO circumstances be good for you. So, what does she go and do?  Got rid of the black beans and proceeded to present them as 'Beans' and they were all nice and shiny red.  Took me a while to catch on, by then it was a bit late to complain.

So, where was I?  Oh yes, Bittersweet.  The first time I tried a bittersweet sauce, chinese of course, was with my mother at a little out of place Chinese restaurant in what (back in the 80s) was a bustling Shopping Center in my area.

So, my first try at bittersweet was indeed a whole spectacle of the senses, as I had NO IDEA what to expect (I probably was 9), it really hit me.  A Satisfying taste that had undertones of something, not quite, irregular in an otherwise fruity amalgam.

So, what's this got to do with anything?

Today is mother's day in my area, it's a weird date for me, as today marks the first of many to come (please make it many!), without my mom by my side.

That's us in 2006 - my Birthday

We used to be inseparable (and quite phonetically similar insufferable).  Of course, life does come to an end to all of us, and as life would have it, she was the first to depart.

I am sad, I can't say I am not, but not because of it being mother's day.  That's a Stupid Hallmark (tm) Date.

I am sad because out of all the people I have shared this mortal coil, my mom is not here today to see where things would have taken us, today though, is no different than other dates this year past, EXCEPT for her birthday.  I was totally overwhelmed on her birthday and I just hope when the the earth reaches that point again of it's orbit, I am able to overcome how I felt that day.

So, why bittersweet?

My mom, showin Jr how it's done

Well, I am indeed, a bit happy, happy to be here, happy to share my life with great people, happy to have a successful (so far) career, and happy to have the most wonderful and adoring son I could dream of.
But I can't say it is all joy, I do miss my mom dearly.

People are wont to say "she's just a heartbeat away", or "she's in a better place" or more succinctly "we are all doomed to the same fate"; sure, sure I get it, life is just a middle point between birth and death, but I do still miss her.  Sometimes I feel her SO close that my mind wanders off for hours, just being grounded again by dawn.

Mom at "Dia de los Abuelitos" - Last time she was able to visit Jr's school

I know that near the end, my mom used deceit again with me, I know she preferred to 'hide the black beans' with a lot of effort on her part.  Not everyone can pull a fast one on me people, I can assure you of that.  But when my mom told me she was "all right, just a little tired" I used to fall for it quite easily, no one could've convinced me that she was only capable of using 20% of her lungs, and STILL lead a life where I counted on her FAR more than I probably should.

I have to say, "Mom, wherever you are now, you fooled me, and fooled me right, you did it always for my benefit, but that doesn't mean I liked it one bit!!"

For now, that's it, that's my story.  I'm still a weird kid, or grown up (trying to not let it get to me), but thankfully I was never really aloof with my mom, today, it's just another day, but as I did while she was right here, I celebrate mother's day everyday.

Sometimes all we need is for them to hold our hand, others, we get to hold them

Good night...

Amusement Parks and Recreation... No Ron Swanson here though...

So, there's like 600million things I have on my mind at the moment and I'd like to mention and talk about, but it's kind of hard to put everything on a single post, so I will probably do it in chapters.

Let's start with the latest memory then, Sunday at the Amusement Park!

 It really started with a slow Sunday at home, we weren't doing much, today is the Last day of Summer here, and Jr was having a good time up until noon, when out of the blue he says:

"Dad, let's go to the amusement park!"

I was seriously considering it, I mean, last day of summer, an amusement park packed with kids, adults, and god knows how many varieties of airborne cooties!! 

But the day before he'd overheard his mom talking to an aunt and saying that some of the cousins would come over to the park today.

That really didn't pan out.

So, I figured that queues are not really an issue when you don't have another thing to do, and if you're six and can handle it, might as well just wait them out.

So, on we went to the park.

I must say though that this is a bit of my nature, plans are NEVER set in stone; anything can change at the last minute and I am all for surprises.  I learnt the hard way that if plans are REALLY unmovable, life will find a way of messing them up for you; might as well make the best of it.

So AT LUNCH, we went to the park, we found a not so distant parking spot (it was about halfway home and park away) and walked to the door.  There were people ALREADY frustrated at the door, I mean You haven't even gone in and are already fed up?  Jeez.

By the time I paid for our tickets, you'd think we went to Disneyland!  Jr was happy, I mean REALLY happy, smiling side to side, saying "Hi" to everyone, and decided that TODAY was the day he would ride the big rides (No.  Didn't happen).

Seriously people, if you go to the amusement park with a kid, IT IS FOR THE Kids.  Don't give them a hard time, do not make them feel guilty of waiting in line for 30 minutes for a 2 minute ride; I'm pretty certain when YOU were manufacturing kids you didn't complain about the "build up and then short ride".

See the difference on the faces?  Sure one is painted and the other one isn't, but that smile?  SON that smile is worth the 2 hours total of queues we did for the 3 minute rides... 

I took a 6 yr old, and turned him into a smile machine, that people, that's worth ANY wait time I had to go through, and if you disagree, then you're probably not a parent right now ;)

Half Shells, half life, half truths...

I'm not an activist.

Simple as that, I am a human being with interests and passions but NONE of those make me an activist.
I'm a conscientious objector at times, a permissive jerk at others, but overall I am a Citizen that wants life to be good for me, my fellow Citizens and most definitely for my son.

I am passionate about various things, tolerance being a very strong subject.  Civil liberties and the right of people to defend what they believe in, WHETHER OR NOT I agree with those beliefs.

But I am not an activist.

I will not sit down and write endless diatribes against GMOs, Healthcare, animal rights, or anything of that sort, for; while I care about these issues, sitting behind a desk and writing like I am an expert about them will not change a single thing.

I can talk to my "activist" friends about issues, I can hold my ground and sometimes sway their opinion about things (some friends are less informed than others to be honest) but that DOES NOT make me an activist.

I will though, take a stand against people that deliberately thwart the rights of others, even if they believe these are the right thing to do.

Recently in my country an assassination occurred, it wasn't just murder, that implies chance.  No, this turtle and nature Activist (capital A) was assassinated after trying in vain to save turtles, turtle nests and the nesting grounds from poachers.  He even used twitter to ask the police to be present and TRY and do something about it.

Now, a million different "activists" jumped at this outrage, they starting crying and yelling, asking for change, but these same people are what I call 'facebook-activists' they will click on "like buttons", scream their outrage in ALL CAPS while never changing their status-quo ONE iota.  They will rarely challenge the system in any way that will make things inconvenient for them.

Boycotting the eating of turtle meat or eggs is EASY if you have never in your life even contemplated doing something of the sort.

Asking poachers to stop through facebook is easy, heck they probably don't even have phones, so who cares?

Taking a stand, asking for change should not stop at a status message, it should NEVER pend on having someone die to request this.  It's in all of us to make said change, by acting in accordance with our words.

Did I ever think about having turtle meat?  NO, as I don't know, but I want to know WHY there is a market for this, why poachers are making a profit and HOW we can change THAT root cause.

The eating of the meat is only a symptom of a bigger cancer, one that no one dares approach, so, let's stop it with treating the symptoms, and look at the decaying smoldering mass of bodies our societies have become and loose the "Screen anonymity" let's make sure each voice has a face and a name to it.  We walk the streets and never really see those around us; as if WE don't exist.

Let's make a stand and let's ensure that we all know who WE are...

Early Morning musings... for a late afternoon :P

So, ever since my mom passed away, I've been trying to maintain a modicum of HER order and HER ideas at home.  It's a condition.  I don't really deal well with imposed changes I rather feel things are being changed BY me or WITH me, and not just... you know, having a hand that was dealt to me and tough luck.

So, one of the things I am doing in order to try and get a bit of the control back on it, is to sleep at my mom's old room.  Or what shall heretofore be referred to as "THE MASTER bedroom".  In caps.  It sounds like a novel.  Or special room.  Wish I had a butler, I'd call him Jeeves.  Don't care what his last name is, he WILL be Jeeves (note to self, find a Jeeves and make sure he's British, otherwise they will be rubbish).

So, after sleeping for a while in "THE MASTER bedroom", I've come to appreciate something I didn't know we had.  Dawn.

Sure, I KNOW there is a dawn everyday, I mean I assumed there was mostly because people didn't complain about the sudden lack of "transition" from night to day.  But honestly I never saw it.

My room was located to the south of the house, so, SW location made it great for sunsets, not so for whatever the space between night and day was.


But, my mom did see it daily, she made an effort, even when her health had declined to appreciate dawn. 

Near the end, she was not totally bedridden, she was an impressively strong woman, at less than 20% lung capacity, she still got up, walked around (to the best of her ability) and DID chores and drove.

I will never be able to tell her directly how amazed I am about this.  All I did back then was tell her "mom, slow down, you need to take it easy, remember slow but surely things get done".  She never took shit slow.  Ever.

Like NEVER ever.

If you met my mom, you'd know right then and there that anything but an instant response to stuff was too slow.

As annoying as that was, I loved it about her, it was never rash or impulsive behavior.  She knew exactly what she was doing.

And just like a Wizard, she was never late or early, she was precisely where she needed to be at any time.

Right now, is not the time for her to be with me, and I can deal with that, not that I wanted it to be this way though.

Queued up for a renewal - the mayhem!!

I usually don't leave very thing until the last minute. So I figured that I had to get my passport renewed before my trip to London (turns out I need a valid one to purchase to tickets, GENIUS!). So I went to the bank. Took all of 5 minutes paying the due. And now I've been queued up at the immigration offices for the better part of an hour still haven't reached THE ONLY window where they stamp passports.

No wonder there is a slew of "public parking" places around. Bet they make a fortune every day.

I know there are ways to get a new passport by just going to banks and having them do the paperwork for you. But apparently the heavy lifting of a STAMP is too much to do outside these offices.

I know the fact that there is only one window means they can't justify more salaries (overhead) for the kind of work necessary. But seriously couldn't they just do this at the same bank I was at?!

And how hard is it to stamp a passport and check a "valid through" date on it? Why does it take upwards of ten minutes per person at the window?

I tell you why. Redheaded commies!! Of gremlins. What is it we are supposed to fear now? Maybe a Backson! Something. I wish they would pull their act together though. After all my taxes pay for this bureaucratic slum where we come to just get older. Little by little. Makes no sense really to have to walk in here and get it stamped.

End of rant.

A month and counting or countdown to 33

It's always difficult to summarise lifetimes in a few words, apparently people wish that things didn't happen or how they happened be more succinct.  I have a hard time these days putting words into simple patterns and disclose a lot of information in very few ideas.

It's almost a month since my mom passed, everyday I think I will just wake up, go to her room (my room now) and hold her in a tight embrace while figuring it was just a stupid silly awful dream.

That's not the case though, I've dreamt about that myself for a few days now, but as hard as it is to not have mom with me today, it's harder for me to picture her state had she survived the night.

August 26th 2009 - Jr's Birthday

I'm happy that she's no longer suffering respiratory issues, and that above all she was able to pass on in a way that didn't leave her stranded to a bed for months.

I see my dear little boy, and I see her in every smile he has, in every gesture and in every bit of speech he uses.  They even have the same issue with pronouncing spanish "r"s.

I will be 33 in a few days as well.  This will be my first birthday ever without mom by my side.  We had some hard times when she suffered from her pancreas, but she was always there, trying to make the best of her situation she kept me from most of what she was suffering.

A stronger woman I've never seen.

I hope that at some point I get to show at least half the strength she had in her time.

I am not comfortable with celebrating my birthday this year; I may be able to do something, for a bit, but she will be definitely missed, and this will be less than adequate in the best of circumstances.

Three weeks and counting...

My mom passed away on March 7th of this year. It's been really hectic around the house. I've been faced with not only losing my dearest mother, but a companion, a friend, an Increible resource and an amazing game partner. Is something I feel I need to suffer alone as no one else can even begin to fathom what my mind goes through with every memory and sound.

She was the strongest person I know, she took on pancreatitis (doctors believed it was cancer), and recovered while her husband passed away (my step dad, one of the most wonderful people I was blessed with encountering in my life).

Her strength was contagious, having our house burn down was only a new start. Losing ourselves was never an option, a true warrior my mother gave me everything I needed to be strong as well.

And yet in missing her I am feeling weak. She was everything to me and through her memory I will keep her alive.

Mom, wherever you are this will never be a good bye, but a farewell, and a we will meet again, may the tides go in our favor and the winds push us closer.